The Dual Control Model: the science behind how your desire works
Have you ever wondered why your desire might be lower at times, and higher at others? Unfortunately, lots of my clients come to me saying that their low desire is a sign something is “wrong” with them - that they “should” be experiencing desire for their partner and feel ashamed that they aren’t. If this feels relatable to you, I firstly want to assure you that you are in fact very normal and that there is nothing “wrong” with you. Not experiencing desire when there’s pressure (where explicit or implicit, internal or external) can be incredibly frustrating, isolating, and upsetting. You are not alone and you are not broken.
So how does it work?
To help you understand why desire may be accessible in some contexts, but not others, I introduce to you the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response developed at the Kinsey Institute by Dr John Bancroft and Dr Erick Janssen. This model helps us understand the science behind desire by explaining a pair of mechanisms in your brain called the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and the Sexual Inhibition System (SES). It’s easier to understand these systems like an accelerator and a brake in a car.
The Sexual Excitation System (accelerator) notices all potential sexual stimuli in your environment and sends signals to “turn on”, moving you towards desire. For example, the scent of your partner's perfume, a flirty message, or engaging in fantasy. Simultaneously, the Sexual Inhibition System (brake) is noticing all the very reasonable reasons not to move toward desire, sending signals to “turn off” and move away from desire. For example, stress from work, feeling tired after having a restless night, or noticing the dishes still haven’t been done.
Your wonderful brain is constantly running through the brakes and accelerators throughout your day, sifting through your environment to send signals to put the pedal on the brake or accelerator. The process of becoming aroused and experiencing desire is a dual process of putting the gas pedal on your accelerators, and taking the pedal off the brakes. Desire comes when the accelerator is on enough and the brakes are off enough for you to then feel motivated to pursue sexual stimulation.
Everyone’s responsiveness to these systems will vary, with some people experiencing sensitivity to their accelerators, and others being more sensitive to their brakes. Either way, it shows us how important context is for desire to be accessible.
Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire
Finally, I’d like to dispel the myth that we are often fed in movies and media - not everyone experiences spontaneous desire and you are not broken if you don’t!
Often my clients feel disappointed and ashamed that they don’t experience spontaneous desire - that their desire doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. Most of us learnt that we are “supposed” to have spontaneous sex and when we don’t, we can feel like a failure or like there’s something “wrong” with our relationship. Thinking and feeling this way hits the brakes, moving you even further away from desire. This can be an incredibly vicious and disheartening cycle.
Responsive desire is where, much like the Dual Control Model, your beautiful brain responds to sexual stimuli in your environment. With responsive desire, arousal doesn’t appear out of nowhere, but requires intentional cultivation. When my clients feel broken and frustrated that they aren’t experiencing desire, one of the first things I ask them is if they have anything to respond to in their environment that might help desire grow. Child-rearing, work stress, domestic duties, relationship conflict, low energy, the mundane everyday tasks of life - none of these sound very sexy to me! How could you experience desire when there aren’t many things in your context that will help it grow?
So have a think about your context - what’s happening in it that you are responding to? Is it hitting the brakes or the accelerator? Learning what your brakes and accelerators are can have a significant impact on your sex life.
What the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response helps us understand is that you are not broken for not experiencing desire all the time - context is important and desire needs to be cultivated!
If you feel you and/or your partner need extra support in understanding your desire, please feel free to contact me to book a session.